愛 Kenjii Musings 愛

Journal of anime ramblings, fiction works and reflections

Love in all its confusion

I sat for fifteen minutes just thinking up a title for this post. During that time, I was just reflecting on the type of person I am when it comes to love. The reason my mind even wandered to such an untrodden topic is because of  Tonari no kaibutsu-kun, an anime I started last night. I’m having the strangest case of deja vu right now

It’s a Shoujo love story between Mizutani Shizuku – a girl only interested in attaining and maintaining the highest grades in school – and Yoshida Haru – a truant, who was feared during the time he attended school because of his rough personality. And apparently, he has a thing for jumping out windows. yoshijump It gets me every time 😄. They are in the same year of high school and she usually stops by where he lives to leave his homework sent by one of his teachers who is interested in his attendance at school. When he finds this out, he instantly calls her his friend and looks forward to seeing her again but Shizuku wants no part of this. Being around him, she realizes that the guys he decides to make his friends are not genuine and only use him for what he has. When she points this out, he throws his juice on her and leaves, she retaliates then runs away to escape his short temper. Note: he has a very bad temper yoshitemp

Haru realizes this for himself and decides to cut them off as friends and turns to Shizuku for friendship. She realizes then that his absence from school stems from his inability to make friends because of his rough personality that causes fear in the students. He then confesses to feeling love for her and Shizuku, who has never felt any emotion excepting towards her work, begins to feel such stirrings of teen attraction.

He returns to school, knowing that he has her to depend on as a friend, causing Shizuku to become distracted and fall back in her grades and focus. The big surprise is that Haru, even with all his faults, is a genius student who scored the highest on the exams. Shizuku’s competitive spirit doesn’t afford her to digest this knowledge properly and she cuts him off as a friend. Haru disappears, depressed that he has lost his only friend and “love”. She feels guilty after sometime, she no longer finds comfort in just studying and treating everything and everyone around her with indifference. Because of her mixed feelings, she goes to Haru and sets things right between them and he decides to show his care through being quiet as she studies at the library.

And at the end of the first episode y SURPRISE!

So far the anime is great, even though I’ve halted partway through the second episode (I intend to pick up after I’ve finished this entry). The characters are relatable and the story is a cute and innocent romance between two seemingly incompatible characters (and there is no overdose of mush, so far). The comedy is great, the character development progresses nicely and so does the story. Even though Haru comes off as a crude and rude person, those traits are smoothed out by his show of affection for Shizuku and a stray chicken he happens to claim as his pet. Shizuku’s indifference begins to take a slow transition into an attraction for Haru which she fails to successfully ignore. It’s an entertaining watch for me so far and hopefully for anyone else who decides to watch it (and already have).

***

There is a very relatable point in this anime, for me, regarding Shizuku’s personality. Her indifference. I think I’ve lost count on the many times I’ve been called cold, unresponsive and emotionally unavailable. Honestly, I have no idea what started it, or why it’s become such a huge part of my personality. I have no problems showing affection to my father and sister; with my mother it’s a fluctuating consistency – or sometimes never apparent, not even latently. With friends, it isn’t hard for me to be affectionate. In the few relationships I have had, the “significant others” left on the basis that I was hard to put up with and too emotionally unavailable for them to invest time and effort when I show no interest.

Somehow, I think it has a lot to do with my withdrawal, love for solitude and maybe my pride. I think I hate becoming dependent on people and so I guard my emotions to keep from any negative ends that may come. It’s become so innate to the point where when it comes to expressing my emotions – or even trying to identify with them – I’m awfully inept. I know what it is to love someone, I understand the concept of love, attraction and infatuation and I understand that many times infatuation is mistaken for love. Maybe because of past and current relationships I have observed, the usual negative endings make me inclined to believe that they never work. I don’t understand why love would constitute allowing someone to abuse another physically and emotionally. I refuse to believe that is what love is. Why would one say they love a person then in the end leave because of “irreconcilable differences” or finding someone better? Why is the word love used at all, if in the end sadness is the only end product?

Even now, I’m trying to outline my own basic concept of love but somehow, there are no words to really explain the gravity of the word. Sometimes I think I have felt love, but I really don’t know what it is like to really love someone. My family, definitely. My friends, yes. But when it comes to relationships, I think I’ve estranged myself from feeling attachment and emotions that count, to the point where I can no longer recognize them or even care to try and feel anything or put out the necessary effort.

What kind of person does that make me?

Even with my preconceived notions of love, it is hard for me to recognize it for its greatness. I feel all the other things, such as attraction and minor crushes. I doubt for right now, with the way I am, that I will ever be able to recognize the moment I do “fall in love” because I’ll either ignore it or it will just fade.

Until that happens though…I’ll let these two anime characters feed what I cannot feel.

Ulquoirra and Inoue

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This entry was posted on December 25, 2012 by in Anime Ramblings, Personal and tagged , , , , , , , .
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